Final Goodbye...

She stood in front of the mirror, staring at the image she presented. Smoothing an imaginary wrinkle down the front of her white dress, she took a shaky breath.

This was it. Today was the day she kissed goodbye to her past and took a step towards her future. It should be the happiest day of her life, yet she couldn’t shake the heavy sadness within her heart. She loved him. She loved him more than she could ever remember loving anyone. One thought echoed through her mind and it was the one thing that broke her heart. She loved him more than she had ever loved M.

She knew deep in her heart it wasn’t true.  She knew she had loved M with every fiber of her being and his death had almost killed her. But, here she stood, staring in the mirror at the women in front of her, and she couldn’t remember feeling that strongly; feeling as she did now.

Every now and then fragments of her past with M filtered through. Snapshots of her past with him- threads barely held together by what now felt like distant memories. Her heart ached because she didn’t want to forget him, but now she felt like it was all slipping through her fingers and he would soon be a distant memory; just someone she used to know and love.

She moved away from the mirror, turning to sit at the vanity table. Her eyes shadowed with the grief that still was locked within her. She felt guilty. Part of her wondered if he would be happy with the choices that she had made; happy that she had ended up with him.  

She sighed heavily. She wished she could regret the choices she had made, but if she did then she would not be where she was now. She had a man who loved her for her, someone who knew her pain, knew her ghosts and still loved her all the same. She wouldn’t give that up for the world.

But she still felt guilty.

She pasted a bright smile on her lips when her best friend sauntered into the room, holding her satin red bridesmaid dress delicately in one hand. She couldn’t help but smile at the ladylike behavior she was projecting. It almost made her laugh. Her best friend; since she was 19, Allie was never one to act like a lady. She did what she wanted and said what was on her mind. It had caused her a lot of heartache in the past, but today she was making an effort. She was doing it for her.

She dropped her finger to her right hand, gently caressing the single gold band that she still wore. She’d promised herself she would take it off. She had sworn that when she stepped down the aisle towards him she would not be wearing another man’s ring. She twisted it gently, reluctant to remove it from her finger. He had told her it didn’t matter if she kept it on. He knew that it was a part of her past that she found extremely hard to let go.

She shook her head. She had to let go. It was time to let go. So, why was it so hard? Why did the thought of saying her final goodbyes scare her more than anything else that lay waiting ahead for her?

Taking a deep breath, she pulled off the gold band, all too aware of Allie’s eyes on her. Gently placing it on the vanity table, she looked down at her right hand, closing her eyes at the pale strip of skin marking the 4 years she had worn his ring on her right hand.  She could still remember the heart-wrenching decision to remove it from its rightful place on her left hand. The hours she had cried over such a simple gesture of swapping it to her right hand.

She sighed shakily. She missed M. She missed him so much and in the last few months it had felt like the pain of losing him was fresh all over again. She knew it was because she was closing such a huge chapter on her life.  Saying goodbye had never been easy for her. In most cases, she had always ensured that she had left before she could but with M’s death, she hadn’t had the chance to walk away. She hadn’t given it a second thought. Instead of her walking away, it had been M that had disappeared forever without either of them getting the chance to say their final goodbyes. It was something that weighed heavily on her mind.

She knew most men would be worried. Most men would not accept that her feelings still run deep and her grief was still fresh but he was different. He had promised her that they would never spend a night apart whenever they had the chance to be together and he had vowed that the night before their wedding day they would break with tradition and spend it together.  He always knew what she was thinking and feeling. Sometimes it annoyed her that he was that it tune with her every thought and emotion but at the same time it left her with a calamity – he eased her pain, her anxiety and every single one of her fears.

Taking a deep breath, she vowed she would be different this time. Less fearful of the future, less unsure of what lay ahead and she would be stronger than she had ever been.

Lifting her head, she tilted it towards the sky.

Today was her wedding day…